Tuesday, October 25, 2005

“Good luck, bad luck”

This article was first blogged on July 26th 2005 in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here. (It was just after the London bombings).

Chin Tu Lan blogging about “Good Luck, bad luck”

A few weeks ago, hor, I won a free ticket to London. Then all my freeloader friends said, “Oh, good luck. Oh, good luck!”

Aiyaaah….this type of thing, good luck, bad luck, who can say one.

Anyway, I decided to go. My grandmother gave me 3000 pounds to spend for my trip. I think my grandmother loves me not because I am her only grandson, but because she is my only grandmother. And people say she’s very rich.

I reached London and went to the hotel and found out that the stupid hotel clerk gave my room away to someone else. So, they got no room for me. Kanineh, like that also got.

Then all the other guests said, “Oh, bad luck. Oh, bad luck!”

Good luck, bad luck, who can say one.

The hotel manager then passed by and felt sorry that they gave my room to someone else. But they had a junior suite empty. He offered to upgrade me so that I can take the junior suite while paying normal room price. Of course I take lah. This type of thing no need to think one mah.

And after that, all the other kaypoh guests said “Oh, good luck. Oh, good luck!”

Good luck, bad luck, who can say one.

That night at the bar, I met a sexy Mat Salleh woman with si beh tua neh neh. I bought her many drinks thinking that she will go to my room to syiok syiok with me later. But she left and went upstairs with some fat businessman instead. Fucker, simply potong jalan only.

The waiter felt sorry for me and said, “Oh, bad luck. Oh, bad luck!”

Good luck, bad luck, who can say one.

I slept alone that night. Fruss only. The next morning I went downstairs and saw the fat businessman kao peh kao bu because the si beh tua neh neh woman stole all his money while he was asleep.

The hotel security guards heard that I tried to pick up the same con woman but failed. So they said to me, “Oh, good luck. Oh, good luck!”

Good luck, bad luck, who can say one.

I was still feeling sexually frustrated, so I wanted to catch a bus to look for a red light district to get some action. I walked round the corner and saw Bus No 30 at the bus stop. So I ran to catch it. But it started moving off already. I shouted to the driver to wait. But stoopid idiot sped off. Chow chee bai. Wait a little bit can die one meh?

One man walking his dog near the bus stop laughed at me and said “Oh, bad luck. Oh, bad luck!”

Good luck, bad luck, who can say one.

Next thing I know, I heard explosions everywhere. So I caught the next flight home. At the airport, I was met by the press. The famous 5Star investigative reporter, Dick Tomastoski was there to interview me. He was there with one hot female 5Star columnist.

When he heard that I missed Bus No. 30, he said, “Oh, good luck. Oh, good luck!”

Before I can say anything, the hot female 5Star columnist said, “Good luck, bad luck, who can say one.”

I dunno why she didn’t like me. But she got damn nice legs. Big neh neh also.

My grandmother was happy to see me. She had been reading the newspapers every day and she said that the news is blardy depressing. Bombing lah, terrorism lah, stupid politicians making stupid decisions lah. She said that maybe the world is going through a patch of bad luck.

But actually hor, good luck, bad luck, who can say one.

Chin Tu Lan blogs the PPS Bash

This article was first blogged on June 24th 2005 in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here.

Chin Tu Lan blogging the PPS Bash

Last night I went for a quiet dinner at this restaurant, Charlie’s Place. Wah lau eh, so many people. Like a bloggers’ convention or something. But the waiter said that it was some blogger’s birthday or 2nd anniversary. Got nowhere to sit, so I simply sit at other peoples’ table and said that I am also a blogger. Got use my head a bit mah.

I wanted to order the grilled butterfish but the waiter said got no more. So I ordered the lamb. I was hungry, so I told him “fasta”. He misheard me and came back with pasta. Like that also got. Don’t eat also have to pay money, so I ate lor.

I dunno what kind of birthday it was, but seemed like nobody wanted to become the M.C. People kept asking this specky girl in a black top, who looked like a school headmistress, to come out and take charge. But she kept resisting. In the end only they manage to get one fella to come out to tell some jokes and also organize the meeting. And much later on, they started giving out awards.

I was so surprised that the underground blogger, Viewtru, did not win anything. Not even a singlet. Like that how can? I think ah, these people don’t know how to vote one. This is a third world country, mah, so they don’t know how to prioritize. In a democracy, you should always vote for the one with the biggest scherlong. Like in the first world countries.

Last time during the American elections the time, the people had to choose between Senator Kerry and George Bush. So people want to know if they got good scherlong or not. You know lah, these are both old men. So they need a bit of help from Wiagra.

So the reporter asked Kerry, “Senator, you take Wiagra, got effect or not?”

Then the senator answered:

Got some improvement leh.

Then the reporter asked Bush, “Mr President, you take Wiagra got effect or not?”

Then Bush answered.

After that the public went to vote for Bush. Like that mah! These first world people know what is important. Not economic policy or foreign policy. But physical dimensions!

I think our people here don’t understand the proper concept of democracy. Viewtru, with his big scherlong should have won big. How can you base your voting on inconsequential stuff like blog content, blog presentation, blog ideas and blog layout? These things are not important one, mah. No wonder people say we got first world infrastructure but third world voting mentality. Okay, Viewtru not paying me enough. Otherwise I rant some more.

Then they passed around the birthday cake. One girl from Penang offered me some. So I said to her, “I don’t like cake. You got rotiboy or not?”
She looked at me one kind.

Anyway, I looked around a bit and saw this cun chick in red striped long sleeved T-shirt. I tried to talk to her but out every 10 words she said, nine are 4-letter words. Eight I can stand, but not nine. She said she very stressed. Fuck the stress, I told her.

Then I walked around summore and saw this other girl in a light blue sleeveless thing. I don’t understand why people can wear a T-shirt and still claim that they wore nothing. Cheating one. I looked properly and I know that underneath the T-shirt she also got wear something. Like that also got. I want to look some more, but the specky school headmistress came and blocked the view. Fed up.

So I walked around hoping that some more babes may be impressed with the bulge in my pants, maybe pick me up and take me home. But the babes all ignored me. Why like dat? Like I said before, they all got third world mentality one leh.

So I went home lor. And I removed all the 5 pairs of rolled up socks I had stuffed down the front of my underpants. Waste of time only.

Oh, somebody was passing around a piece of paper and the bloggers wrote their phone numbers on it. When it came to my turn, I put it in my pocket and forgot about it. So now I have all the cun babes’ private phone numbers. Maybe I will give them a call.

This is Chin Tu Lan signing off.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Chin Tu Lan blogging the Olympics

This article was first blogged on Aug 25th to 27th 2004 in my other blog, Stepping Aside For Reality and then reproduced here.

I am still pissed off by the fact that Olympians are not allowed to blog from Athens. I have been scouring the web but every competitor seems to be following the ban on blogging. There must be a lot of stuff happening which we don't know about. The IOC(International Olympic Council) wants to have a monopoly on the news from the Olympics. This isn't right. Nobody should have a monopoly over news.

If I cannot make them change their stand, then I can perhaps embarass them.

By a stroke of luck, I managed to contact our national athlete extraordinaire, Chin Tu Lan, who is competing in Athens. He has agreed to blog about his events in defiance of the IOC rules. Chin Tu Lan will be guest blogging here during the next few days of the Olympics Games, and we will be posting all the facts that the IOC don't want you people to know.

Chin Tu Lan blogging from Athens

Event: Men's 75 m free pistol

The other day, hor, I took part in the Men's 75 m free pistol shooting. Hooiyoh, so many participants. We were given live bullets to shoot at a target board.

Suddenly I saw two crows fly overhead. I took aim and let fly. Wa lau eh. That one bullet killed both crows instantly.

The stoopid referee cried foul. Said that I missed the target board. I told him that I was aiming for the birds and not at the target board. So where got miss? You think the other shooters can one bullet kill two birds or not?

So I ask for more bullets. He refused to give me. Why so stingy one? So I argued wif him. Then he disqualified me. These IOC people all si beh fucked up one leh. Maybe he was bad tempered because the dead crows fell on him.

This is Chin Tu Lan, blogging live from the Olympic Games.

Chin Tu Lan blogging from Athens

Event: Open Style Wrestling and Javelin throw

This morning I took part in the Open Style wrestling event. I think that men wrestling with men is a bloody stupid idea and not much fun. So I put on a woman wrestling suit and went to take part in the women wrestling event instead. Halfway through the qualifying rounds, one very 'chun' woman wrestler pinned me down. Her ample chest was crushing my face. I made a defensive error by trying to crush her chest back with my face. She was very surprised by my maneuver. I must have been feeling horny. And excited. And it started to show. Two IOC officials noticed my excitement bulging out and realized that I was not a woman.

They chased me out of the event. And told me never to go near the women wrestlers again. Like I said before, all these IOC people si beh fucked up one.

But on the way out, five women wrestlers gave me their cellphone numbers. They were very muscular. But then, I am also very desperate. I think tonight I sure very tua boh eng.

Later I went to take part in the Men's Javelin throw. And almost killed the fat Line Judge with my first throw. Not my fault leh. I slipped and the javelin went sideways. He happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Don't understand why these si beh fucked up IOC people don't get proper training on safety. Carry a shield, mah. Like in the movie "Troy". Luckily, the javelin only went through his hat. But after that he disqualified me every time I threw. Said that I stepped over the line. Where got?.

When he disqualified me for the last time, I got very fed up with him. So I chased him with the javelin all round the field. But the stupid fat guy could run faster than me. That reminded me. I better work hard on my speed if I want to set a new world record for my athletics event tomorrow.

Tomorrow's event is important. The whole nation is depending on me. Maybe I should have an early night. But I got five women wrestlers waiting for my phone call. Dilemma leh. What to do? Must make some sacrifices, mah. So I'm thinking of calling just only three of them.

This is Chin Tu Lan, blogging live from the Olympic Games.

Chin Tu Lan blogging from Athens

Event: Men's 110 m hurdles and others

The three women wrestlers kept me up all night. They introduced me to the concept of 'hardcore wrestling'. But four people wrestling together on the mattress was very confusing.

One of the women opened her attack with a Double Leg Cradle. Nice and aggresive. I countered her attack with a Duck Down Move. But the second woman wrestler got me with a Front Facelock, to which I responded with a Mexican Bodyslam. The third one tried her famous BackFlip Cradle. Powerful! The correct counter move to that was the Crouching Tiger Takedown, but I did not have the space to put it into effect. So I countered with the sneaky Hidden Dragon CorkScrew instead! But I had forgotten the first woman, who was attempting to get me with the Leg Scissors Headlock from the front. Before I had time to even think, the second woman got me in a Sicilian Bunclutch Submission move.

And then the lights went out. I think the si beh fucked up IOC people never pay the electricity bill, so the power got cut. Wrestling in the dark was confusing. I did not know what I was doing, or who I was doing. But I didn't care. Hooiyoh! The next few hours was damn exciting, man!

Halfway through the huffing and puffing, I got a flash of inspiration and thought of this riddle:
"What is shaped like a giant ball, has 8 legs and moans in 4 different languages?"
The correct answer is "A giant multi-lingual spider", of course.
Krever or not, I?

When I woke up this morning, I was exhausted. But no more desperate.

I quickly dressed, drank lots of water to replace my bodily fluids, and then went to take part in the Men's 110 m hurdles. The other runners looked very fresh and eager. But I knew I could beat them all with one hand tied behind my back. So I asked the IOC official to tie my hand behind my back. But the stupid si beh fucked up official refused to do it. When the signal sounded, I ran like the wind and reached the Finish Line first.

Then I looked back and saw that all the other runners were still at the Starting Line. Somebody told me to go back and start again because one idiot had a 'false start'. Damn!

So I went back to the Starting Line. Then the signal sounded and I ran again. But not so fast as before. When I reached the Finish Line I was told one more time that another runner had a 'false start'. This is too much, leh.

I was very tired already. But the false starts happened again...and again.....and again.....and again. It was like everybody took turns to false start. After 6 false starts I was almost exhausted, because I had already run 660 m in total. How to race summore? One African runner looked expectantly at me. He notchet false start yet, but I knew what he was thinking. He wanted to 'false start' me also, just for fun. Tolong leh. I told the officials I didn't want to race anymore. The African runner's face looked so disappointed when I pulled out. His black face turned black.

After so many days of competition, I still did not win a single medal. Where got meaning?
The purpose of competition is to win.
Unless you lose. In that case, the purpose of competition is to take part.

I was feeling very sorry for myself. Feeling hungry also. So I headed towards the Games Village canteen. And found out that there was an Eating Competition!

This time I prepared myself thoroughly. In the Eating Competition, we had to eat 10 durians each. Most of the other foreigners fainted on the smell. My only competition came from one Singaporean guy. We were neck to neck. Luckily he was very kiasu and had chosen all the nice nice durians. Nice durians means must eat slower mah. So when he finished eating nine and a half durians, I had finished all ten durians already. It was close! Like so kan cheong man! Finally got medal!

They gave me an Olympics Village gold medal. Got the "Village" word on it. Still good, because also got "Olympics" word on it.

Then they raised the national flag and played the national anthem. I was so emotional that I sobbed, and shed a few tears. I very metrosexual mah.

The press reporters interviewed me. Ask me what my secret was. I told them that I had a secret practice session.
They asked, "What secret practice session?".
So I told then that half an hour before the durian eating competition began, I secretly practised by eating 20 durians first. That was why I was so prepared. These foreigners don't know anything about our 'boleh' methods. Maybe we should not even try to teach them.

Suddenly, I saw the IOC Committee members get into the lift. I quickly rushed in also. And then I told those si beh fucked up idiots that they should allow Olympians to blog. They looked at me like I was stupid or something.
Then I burped. A big one.
Hooiyoh. Maybe I had too many durians. When the lift stopped, only I got out. Everyone else was still lying on the floor.

Tomorrow, I want to go back home already. Maybe can get a hero's welcome at the airport. So, no more blogging. Bye!

This is Chin Tu Lan, blogging live from the Olympic Games.